We all love our pets, but rich people can express that love in insane ways the rest of us had no idea were even possible. So while we might treat our dog to a helping of table scraps and a belly rub, the wealthy can spend thousands of dollars on baffling luxury products, like ...

After he was 86ed from seventeen mosques, beaten up eleven times, robbed twice, and laughed out of thirteen of Yemen's eighteen provinces, Kharah finally took his third wad of CIA-furnished, US-taxpayer-supplied hundred dollar bills back to CIA headquarters. "Couldn't you guys just build the bomb? Then I'll turn it in and say I got it from al-Qaeda."

"The CIA doesn't build bombs for terrorists," his case officer snapped.

"What about the World Trade Center demolitions?'

"That was the Mossad."

"What about the first World Trade Center bomb, and the Oklahoma City bombs?"

"That was the FBI."

"Well, then send in the FBI!"

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."

Director James Cameron, who wrote and produced “Titanic”, still refuses to comment on a letter in a bottle written by one of the passengers, that was recently found in the wreckage of the famous ship. It read:

“Like most men here, I am gallantly going down with the ship, never to be seen or heard from again. But I’m at peace and take comfort in knowing that because of the sensitivity of mankind, no one will try to profit from this tragedy by making a movie out of it.”

The first time you see Lil’Asset, all dumb and pudgy, you will feel the irresistable urge to squeeze it. Real hard.

Go ahead, it won’t complain. See?

Soon you will realize that this lump of putty was created for one purpose and one purpose alone: to be squeezed by you.

In fact, if it weren’t for your untiring grip, the lil’ tard would spend all day sitting around with its thumb up its sweet lil’ asset, as they say in French.

As to those of you who were serviced by Mr. Smith, it’s understandable that you would be concerned about who will be taking his place going forward. On that front, I have some exciting news: today, Goldman is pleased to announce that our new executive director and head of the United States equity derivatives business in Europe, the Middle East and Africa will be Mr. Joseph Kony.

In 1912, citizens in Montana passed a ballot measure prohibiting corporate campaign donations, which the state's supreme court recently upheld. David Fitzsimmons and others think the U.S. Supreme Court may have to revisit its landmark decision. From 1912, Herbert Johnson, one of the most conservative cartoonists of his era, did not buy the notion that corporations were people.

Apparently, dogs in California have a new source of entertainment: a TV channel run by a former Israeli Army propagandist. The Arab Digest reported today that an Israeli company launched a new TV Channel for Dogs in San Diego; the Executive chairman, Yossi Uzrad, was executive producer of the Channel 2 news company and the head of the news desk at the IDF radio station in Israel. In a nutshell, an Israeli army propagandist is running a Dog's TV channel. The Arab Digest rightly wonders whether it is safe to let America’s dogs to be subject to an Israeli propaganda channel. The show may lead some dogs to invade their respective homes and expel their human family members from their doggy promised land.

They won't give our drone back. Enough said.

God, the original love connection
Every Sunday is super Sunday
Today: what a f iend we have in God, Also: the Be sharps
Private Wedding, Please worship elsewhere
No Shoes, No Shorts, No Salvation
God welcomes his victims
No synagogue parking
Next Sunday: the miracle of shame
Christ Dyed Eggs For Your Sins
Todays Topic: There's Something About the Virgin Mary
If You Were a Pastor, You'd Be Home Now!
Welcome Pissed-Off Catholics
No Outside Eucharist
God: The Original Tony Soprano
Housewarming Party: Let There Be Light Beer
We Welcome Other Faiths (Just Kidding)
Rapture Threat Level: ORANGE
Today: Bobble-Head Moses Giveaway
QUIT ST3ALING OUR L3TT3RS
Christmas Service Jesus: 2005 Years Young
Today's Topic: Jesus Hates You
Today: Church Council Meeting Topic: Religion

Important. Watch This Video. Memorise The Guy's Line. Next Time You're "Caught" Looking At A Girl's Beautiful Breasts, READ IT WITH PASSION!

The Constitution does say "No State shall ... make any Thing but gold and silver Coin a Tender in Payment of Debts," but this only limits the power of the 50ish states. The part that's actually behind our national currency says "The Congress shall have Power ... To coin Money [and] regulate the Value thereof." (The weird capitalization is in the original; they also dotted their "i"s with smiley faces.)

Who says you can’t have fun with fascism?

Captain Israel, the hyper-masculine comic book creation published by ultra-right Israel advocacy organization StandWithUs is so over-the-top in its portrayal of all things Israel as perfect in every way, that it's almost a self-parody.

Excellent analysis, Bob. What does it mean that we have two 25s though?

It means that the election is very exciting so far, Bob, and that now more people will turn on our show to find out which one gets a bigger number. Compare it to the Democratic caucuses, where one person got 100. Boring, Bob, very boring.

So this means we get to keep our jobs, Bob?

Yes, Bob, and that is very good news indeed.

Rare Exports: The Official Safety Instructions from Woodpecker Film on Vimeo.

Rare Exports Inc. from Woodpecker Film on Vimeo.

Now that you have signed the National Defense Appropriation Act into law giving yourself the power to arrest and imprison any American indefinitely, I want to tell you how very very very very very sorry I am for all those nasty things I wrote about you.

In closing, I think you can take satisfaction knowing that you outperformed the Nixon regime, whose Henry Kissinger once said, "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little bit longer." The fact is, after only three years in office you have inspired 300 million Americans to be on their very very best behavior, or else, no mean achievement. Yours Truly, your friend, loyal supporter, Cheerleader-in-Chief, and soon-to-be-campaign contributor, Sherwood Ross P.S. May you have four more years! (And me, too.) #

AN OPEN LETTER OF APOLOGY TO PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
By Sherwood Ross
Dear DEAR President Obama,

In exclusive interview with Sott.net, political analyst and intrepid journalist Ignatious O'Reilly went on record to say that, based on years of personal observation, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich is an "invented person, who is in fact the product of a mediatic experiment on mass perception and has historically been a puppet of the Israel lobby. He has also been a member of the non-Reality based community and as such cannot be said to exist in the full sense of the word. This is the most plausible explanation for Gingrich's other-wordly declarations of late."

The euro currency is to be renamed 'pox' by legislators later on today after a series of high profile meetings between Eurozone leaders and G20 countries.

"A pox be upon you," will be the phrase used by currency exchange bureaus to tourists when they exchange their dollars or pounds to euros whilst on holiday to any Eurozone country.

The State of Israel in no way wants any association whatsoever with the 99%. They are a proud member of the 1%. After consultation with their lawyer, Alan Dershowitz, they were advised to sue the OWS for usurping ‘their’ word without prior permission. Dershowitz was quoted as saying,”Occupation, Apartheid and Genocide are all an integral part of zionism, therefore they are the property of the State of Israel”. Efforts are under way to allow Judge Richard Goldstone to preside over the upcoming hearing. Goldstone himself has issued sworn testimonies in recent months supporting Israel’s ‘right to be evil’.

If the Occupy Wall Street protests have taught us anything, it's that Americans are as angry at economic disparity as they are in love with camping. The protests continue to grow and spread across the country, so we only have so much time to enjoy the occupiers' protest signs before Goldman Sachs is burned to the ground and we all become farmers. Here are some of our favorite signs that encourage the toppling of the entire American system while keeping it light, catchy, and fun! Let us know of any others you've seen.

On the 12th day of crisis
the banksters gave to me
twelve cops a-macing
eleven credit crunches
ten nations bankrupt
nine homes a-foreclosed
eight pensions looted
seven rounds of QE
six congresscritters
FIVE BANK BAILOUTS
four mortgage frauds
three subprimes
two toxic assets
and a casino economy

Keep the flame of Yuletide alive with more occupied carols than you can mace in a row! Don’t forget that Michael Rivero at WRH is just waiting for that bumper music for his radio show, so get the chorus lined up & help share the Occupy Yuletide spirit.

University of California at Davis campus police, who used pepper spray on protesting students, have inspired Photoshop artists to create pieces from the most famous works of art.

You see, part of Ramos-Lopez's job involved using a system a called WebTeckPlus to remotely turn off the cars whose owners were late on payments -- basically, there's a little box installed inside every car that, upon receiving a wireless signal, can disable the ignition system. You can see where this is going.

That is, nowhere.

It turned out that the “We are the 99%” movement did not actually have that much popular support: a statistical research showed that the 99% of the 99% are not really concerned that the 1% own and earn much more than they do, because they are confident that very soon they will also become a part of the 1%. The 98% of those 99% then proceeded to buy a lottery ticket.

I’m Dreaming of a Fat Bailout
I’m dreaming of a fat bailout,
just like the ones I used to know,
where the millions just pour in from congress a-whorin’
and my bonus is long on zeroes.
I’m dreaming of a fat bailout,
where you pay dearly for my greed,
cause the millions I’m savin’ in a far-off tax haven,
are still only half what I need.
I’m dreaming of a fat bailout,
just like the ones of Christmas past,
where the bonuses glisten and the children can’t listen
cause I’ve sold out their future for cash.

"A contract is a contract is a contract (but only between Ferengi)."